The $8,000 Enviro-Windows

July 23, 2009

Dear New First-Time Homeowner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new home and on exercising your constitutional right to be a United States homeowner. As you are probably aware, as a first-time homeowner (or at least having not owned a home within the past 3 years), you now qualify for an up to $8,000 tax rebate on your 2009 federal taxes. This rebate can be claimed on your 2009 taxes by simply checking the box adjacent to Line 74 – C – 3 on your 2009 federal income tax return. If you should need assistance with filling out your return, please contact the Internal Revenue Service tax-payer hotline.

Pursuant to provisions as laid out in the recently passed Cap & Tax (oops…did we actually say that…sorry) Cap & Trade legislation, you will be required as a new homeowner to make certain “green” modifications to your new home.

Phase 1 of this process, as laid out by the Federal government, will be to replace all westward facing windows (sun sets in the west…lots of sun in the afternoon) in your new home. These windows are environmentally-friendly, very “green”, they create millions of “green” jobs, they reduce your personal carbon footprint, they help fix global warming and…well, President Obama has outlined these benefits in several of his daily news conferences over the past several months, so you are probably well aware of them and are most excited about what you are being forced to do.

Based on satellite footage of your new home, which we have acquired from the National Security Agency, we have calculated a total of six windows which will need to be replaced in your new home during Phase 1. As the cost for your area of the country is roughly $6,375.41 per window (including installation), your total cost for Phase 1 amounts to $38,252.46. As such, we will be taking the $8,000 tax rebate from your 2009 taxes. Additionally, please find enclosed a bill in the amount of $30,252.46. Based on information we have reviewed concerning your finances (obtained from the Department of Homeland Security), we have determined that you are at this time incapable of paying this amount in full. So, for your convenience, we have taken the liberty of setting up a convenient payroll deduction for these payments through your employer. Do not be alarmed when you discover a “shortage” in your next paycheck and for goodness sakes don’t try to contact us. Just know that you are doing your part toward preserving your future.

Please be looking for future mailings concerning Phases 2 – 7 of our plan, including such things as more enviro-windows, enviro-doors, enviro-friendly roofs and “Lawn Care Tips for the Environmentally Friendly”.

The provisions, as laid out in the Cap & Trade legislation, will culminate in the installation of your new Hardline Temperature Control Device, which will help moderate your energy consumption and thus further reduce your carbon footprint. All such HTCD’s will of course be directly wired to the master control device, situated conveniently within the Oval Office, with satellite control devices situated at Camp David, in Air Force One, in Marine One, in the White House master bedroom and in the lavatory just off the Oval Office.

Over the next six months from the date of this letter, please be watching for the no-bid contractor picked exclusively by us to perform your Phase 1 improvements.

Congratulations again on purchasing your new home! Your are doing your part, as mandated by us, to help solve problems which have not yet been scientifically proven.

Sincerely,

Your United States Government

P.S. If at any time you should find yourself unable to make your monthly mortgage payments due to the cost of these mandatory improvements or other factors, please directly contact the office of Congressman Barney Frank. His office will be delighted to assist you in acquiring the necessary funds, which they have rightfully extracted from those dirty, rich, capitalist pigs who can afford to pay their mortgages and which are conveniently being held for you in offshore accounts in Beijing.